yeowch

A long walk ahead..

I had a pretty stressful day today. But it was also a highly significant one so I'm jotting it down while it's still fresh. First things first -work began @ 9.30 :( which lasted 4 hours but made me feel bad as it always does coz I'm simultaneously missing fellowship -I HATE missing fellowship. Sundays are s'ppose to be a special set aside day for God, and to not be a part of it makes me feel as low as bacteria. So I'm changing workshifts immediately to accomodate my chosen commitments.

Secondly, I met the brady bunch a.k.a mum+brothers+half sisters. On the one hand, it was great seeing them after months of no contact. But the degree to which my bros (who mean at least half the world to me) have changed shocked me. No that word would be an understatement. It bowled me over. To the point where silent tears escaped and choked my voice whilst i was singing hymns in church tonight. At last I just uttered a silent prayer to God to accept my song in silent voice over. I was quite overcome with feeling. Stan has become so cold & shallow I could barely recognise him. I always thought we had a special bond *i think it's still there but very faint* and if favouritism ever became an option, he would be it *reluctantly admits*. Loving him and Andy truly is, as natural to me as breathing, but now Stan doesn't care about anything other than gameboys. I can't understand him at all and it's left me winded. Andrew is now easier to reach. I feel so much for him because he seems very unfamiliar with the notion of pure happiness -which in turn makes me feel guilty coz I'm surrounded by it everyday. But I know he's happy just to be with me and lets me hug him freely without question.. **i can't stress the importance of hugs. A law should be passed to make them compulsory. They should replace vaccinations nationwide**

To those who don't know my history in full (which is nearly everyone), all this would invite questions without an accompanying context. But this blog was created as a current record in time, not an autobiography. So accept it how it is. Please:)

well moving on.. at the moment i have music playing in the background. Which soothes me muchly:) I also came back from reading another chapter of the bible with Barbara and church. It was really uplifiting, not just because of that special connection I feel with God when reading his Word but also having that quote become real for me "if God can bring you to it, He will bring you through it".. the 'bringing through' bit has already begun. At church, i connected with a couple of people on a special level that only comes from stepping outside one's comfort zone. And Barbara's 2 yo grandson really cheered me up by being his adorable, inquisitive self:) I think he could tell i was upset *that mysterious wisdom of children* and ignored my snapping at him *blush* but instead, kept grabbing at my attention, smiling and holding my hand before leaving, as if to say in that precious way reserved only for children "there there, you'll feel better soon. I still love you".. it's these kind of special moments i want to preserve and keep alive.. to be my orbs of light when things seem a bit muddy and hopeless.. at least my priorities are now clear.

There's a long walk ahead of me; the road's littered with unforeseen responsibilities and inevitable heartaches, but at the same time also, lighted by the enduring beacons of love from my extended family, guidance from God and everything in between..

posted by "/umin @ 4:00 PM